One night only...

The one-night-stand isnt a rare occurrence in New York City.  Typically, these hook-ups happen between the late hours of the night/early morning- when you forgot that you have a credit card at the bar and your coat in coat check.  (FYI- if you leave a nice jacket at Hiro on a Sunday, dont look for it 3 weeks later, its gone.)  When I get drunk and initiate a one-night-stand I am usually found uttering the following word, "no, I really love ___, like this is the one."  More often than not I have no idea who I am in love with, but I am sure they shared a drink or two with me at the bar.

I used to have rules about leaving a bar with someone, but the problem was, when intoxicated I forget the rules and just left with the random regardless.  I never was a fan of going back to the other persons' apartment, I always feared that I would be robbed of the dollar or two that I have remaining in my wallet and cut up into little cubes and placed in their freezer.  The fun part about sleeping at a randoms apartment is actually seeing a new space in the city.  

I have been to a number of very nice apartments- lofts, two-bedrooms, classic 6; been in some of the newest properties in the city....I have seen it all and have gotten some good decorating tips in the process.  The best experience is when you walk into a building (with the sun rising in the background) and you turn to _____ and it hits you!  You have been to this building before! And I of course, think its appropriate to mention this to ____, as if this is a turn on?  Yea- its not.

Once in the apartment, it seems common to be offered a drink (as if anyone needs one), a snack or a pair of shorts ("do you want to be comfortable") when you make the awkward entrance into the apartment.  I once watched someone pour an entire glass of cheap vodka in a glass and then proceed to pour a huge glass of water for himself.  I promptly poured the glass on his carpet-Im not that easy, bitch.  Aside from being offered a drink, I have had some weird experiences: someone wanted to do a portrait of me naked (I said no); someone once played the piano for me naked (baby grand in a studio-not normal) and finally someone once asked me to put together an ikea bookshelf (no comment).  Typically, you just get down to business, this is the standard one-night-stand.  Those are the hook ups that I signed up for when I stumbled out of the bar.

In my younger years, when I did the one-night-stand a bit more frequently, I had a theory: you might not know where the hell you are in the city, but once in a taxi, you always made your way through Union Square.  Try it next time you wake up and stumble out of a random apartment...unless you are on your block (which has happened to me before).  

Logistics are a big deal in arranging a one-night-stand.  I ended up in Brooklyn once and was informed that I couldnt just catch the subway home-or catch a taxi for that matter; I had to go to a kiosk to call for a taxi.  I might as well been in Arkansas.  The litter of cats in the apartment also made a return trip to Brooklyn unlikely.  I have now established a rule, that I do not blindly go to someone's apartment- they need to either live downtown or all bets are off.

Now once a hook up has concluded, I do not want you touching me.  I cannot stand people cuddling with me throughout the night.  I get hot and you are a stranger.  Do not hold my hand, tickle my back (this isnt a spa), or spoon.  Here is another thing I cannot stand: talking.  We met at a bar and we probably spoke about Ketel, shots and Amstel Lights.  You arent interested if I am an only child, what I do or where I went to school.  Of course I will tell you all of those things and probably show you pictures on my phone- but that because I am a bit self-centered.

Finally, I do not want to sit in your apartment until 2pm the following afternoon.  I am out as soon as my eyes open up and I realize that this isnt my apartment.  Typically, I tell the random that I have a gym class that starts at 8:37 (I mean what class start at :37?) and I have to attend. Finally, please do not offer to make me breakfast (I am sure a traditional Portuguese breakfast with an organic smooth is amazing- but I want a black coffee and to get the hell out of there.)

I always appreciated my girl friends that do the one-night-stand deal.  With guys, we typically wear a t-shirt and jeans, so a walk of shame is less noticeable.  I love sitting at brunch with girls that have massive amounts of makeup smeared on their faces with a short beaded dress on, complete with 3 inch heels.  Oh and girls, when you lie and say that you didnt have sex with the guy- we all know you did.  You didnt go back to his apartment to kiss and talk about your childhood.

I dont feel guilty about hooking up, as long as you are safe and ensure that you are not going home with a serial killer, you should be good.  I have found that my desire to have a one-night stand has lessened in the recent year or so...maybe I am growing up? or maybe I have lost my touch.  To be honest, going for pizza at 3 am is a lot more satisfying.

Clean it up kids,

Dan