Aqua Net...

These horrific looking people are my sister and your favorite blogger.  Aside from my sister having a corsage attached in her hair (located behind her bangs, which held the record for world's biggest at the time) there are so many things wrong with this picture.  Lets move on to me- now I have been told that I do not take insults very well, but can dish them out quite nicely.  I think I was pulling a Madonna with the lovely gap between my front two teeth and my hair- well, it appears that my mother prefers volume and height over style and sparing her only son's dignity.  I think it is revenge for all the nonsense I put my parent through that this large 

photograph still hangs in our house.

I do recall one story for this famed weekend back in late April, while we were gearing up for the big night and heading to the ballroom to enjoy the easy sounds of "Drew T" (the best band in South Florida) a racoon or a cat (probably someone's from Match.com) made its way into our garage.  My mother told me not to chase it or what not- but of course I didnt listen.  In my final act of animal control, my tux pants split right down the middle.  I laughed, the animal ran off and an emergency stop was made to Gingiss Formal Wear.

Funny thing about Bar/Bat Mitzvah's, kids get all dressed up to immediately take off their dresses and ties to change into the Bar/Bat Mitzvah Shirt (a crappy made shirt with basic graphics and 3-4 colors) that was standard at any decent over-the-top affair for obnoxious 13-year-olds.  Once this shirt was on along with huge oversized socks- the games began...

Who didnt love the awkward "tie-dance" which consisted of guys throwing a tie over a girls neck and having an awkward dance for about 30 seconds, before the girl chooses another victim.  Then there was scotch and soda a game named for alcohol-no wonder so many of us are programmed to drink.  This game involved running back and forth to sit on your partners' lap.  Last one to the other side is the loser.  It was always a big deal to be partners with the Bar/Bat Mitzvah guy/girl- because the game was rigged and you were always the winner (except at my Bar Mitzvah, where I didn't win- the prize: Mariah Carey's Hero Single).

Another tradition at these events was the making of the "Memory Glass".  This was usually fashioned out of a glass stolen from the event space filled with crap from the party- lord knows what kind of fumes we were all inhaling.  This trend was regulated after a number of small fires were set by budding Jewish-arsonists.  

My Bar Mitzvah's theme was "A Knight to Shine with Danny." (The right picture marks this event- notice the hair.) Notice the play on words that my mother came up with- the affair was a royal one.  I paraded in to "Let's Hear it for the Boy", fitting for a spoiled brat like me.  My entertainment was the Heart to Heart- a group of young college guys and girls that danced like they were on MTV's "The Grind", which seems rather inappropriate seeing that they were dancing with and in front of 12 and 13-year-olds.  The routines the did involved those big foam hands and mexican hats.  I am sure that rabbis two-thousand years ago would feel that no Bar Mitzvah wouldn't be complete without the macarena and a tie-dance.  

Clean it up kids,

Dan